photo credit: Silveira Neto

I must be such a nerd. Like most people, I know what a high-five is and why you do it. But thanks to an article in the Jul 2008 issue of Wired magazine, I now know that there are at least 4 different versions! Heck, I still haven’t gotten the clenched fingers handshake down, now I have to learn the 4 different ways to high-five? See just how cool/hip you really are:

In the classic high-five, the person to initiate is “The Man,” or Woman if that is the case. You can’t look at the hand you are high-fiving, you’re supposed to be looking at his/her elbow. Finally, you are supposed to cup your hand, not keep it straight. Slap your hands together and make an exclamation about whatever has gotten you so excited.

There’s one called “The Todd.” You would think I would know about this one, but I didn’t. I’d sue for copyright infringement, but since I can’t do it, I would probably lose my case. In this version, you implore your victim to “show The (don’t forget the “The”) [insert your name here] some love!” Now you high five with the hand held flat, not cupped, and you do it as hard as you can. Ouch! Then you take your numb hand and try to snap your fingers out in front of you. No thanks.

The next one is called “The Top Gun” where you do the classic high-five straight overhead, except you only make contact with the outside edge of your hand, kind of like a karate chop. Then you drop your arm down to the 6 o’clock position and do it again. Then oddly enough, you are supposed to howl at the moon like a dog or a wolf.

Finally, there is the “21 Jump Street.” This one must be reserved for conference rooms or some other hidden space, because I can’t imagine anyone doing this in public. This involves a team, probably of at least 3 or more people. Everyone extends their hands toward the middle, just like you did in Little League baseball or high school football. Then you wiggle your fingers while moving your hands upward in unison. Makes me think of the Three Stooges for some reason. At the peak, everyone pretends their hands are guns with the thumb as the hammer, and fires off into the air. I think they should throw in a little hop at the same time, just to show how serious they are.

I totally flunked this cool/hip test and would be completely lost if someone expected me to perform one of these maneuvers. Good thing there is no such thing as a high-five on the Internet.

This video is making the rounds and I just love it. I think every freelance writer, or freelance anything, should watch this video. It should also be required viewing for anyone who ever works with a freelancer. Besides, it’s hilarious!

I love this story out of El Cerrito, California. Witnesses had reported to police that there was a naked man exposing himself and masturbating in public. The police arrived and the man was taken into custody on suspicion of indecent exposure.

Even though the man was naked, standard police procedures require the officer to ask the suspect in custody whether they had anything on them that the officer should know about. This is a common, and surprisingly effective way to jog the suspect’s memory about hidden drugs, weapons, and other contraband.

I thought it was an odd question for the officer to ask a naked suspect. More amazingly, the suspect admitted that he did in fact, have a weapon. Now things get really interesting. The suspect told the officer that he had a screwdriver hidden in his rectum. The police, unsure or perhaps unwilling to do anything, called the fire department.

The firefighters arrived as requested, but after considering the situation, felt this problem was beyond their area of expertise. They suggested that it would be best to take him to the Emergency Room. Upon hearing this, the suspect proclaimed it was nothing to worry about, and volunteered to remove the screwdriver himself.

It later turned out that the suspect was recently paroled from state prison. The new charges included suspicion of parole violations and indecent exposure. Oh, and let’s not forget the felony count of possessing a concealed weapon!

Some people just have too much money. Sadly, I am not one of them. But here are two stories that really cracked me up.

The first is about a new product for that baseball fanatic in your life. The Major League Baseball franchise has formed a licensing agreement with a company called “Eternal Image.” E.I. is offering a unique service to baseball fans starting next season. You can now put your loved one’s ashes into an official MLB licensed urn. Yes, that’s right - you or your loved one can spend eternity in an urn decorated with your favorite team’s name, colors, and insignia. It even comes with a nice nameplate and a faux-baseball on the top.

Have qualms about being cremated and stuck on a shelf or mantle? Then you can go with the offically licensed casket, decorated in the same manner as the urns. Eternal Image hopes to make licensing deals with all 30 teams.

The second story about the overly wealthy is about Steve Wynn, an art collecting casino mogul in Las Vegas. It seems that Mr. Wynn purchased a Picasso painting entitled “Le Reve” in 1997 for $48.4 million. Representing a huge return on his investment, Mr. Wynn had reached an agreement to sell the painting for a record $139 million to another collector, Steven Cohen. Mr. Wynn was showing off his painting to guests in his office prior to completing the sale. Apparently, Mr. Wynn is one of those animated people who uses his hands while talking. This particular habit cost him dearly, as he accidently punched a large hole in the painting with his right elbow. Mr. Wynn was understandably unhappy about the mishap, letting loose with an unpublished expletive. At least Mr. Wynn has a sense of humor, commenting that he was glad he was responsible for the damage, and not one of his guests.

Of course, the sale to Mr. Cohen has been cancelled. Mr. Wynn says he will have the painting repaired and keep it in his collection. Homer Simpson would have been proud. Doh!